The last knot

prayer-knot

 

Every individual must have experienced love in their life. Some might have been successful and some unsuccessful. Unsuccessful love stories can be painful and take long time to heal the heart. Thus healing means we have completely forgotten about it and have moved on and started a new life. Well, am not very sure about it. Human memory is such that it can never let you forget anything but yes, certain situations or occurrence in your life can help you divert your mind to something more pleasant and happie. Like how it has done for me now.

I was deep into depression when I shifted to Bangalore to start a new life. I thought that running away from my hometown, Guwahati and shifting to a new place will help me get back on track and start fresh. But it was not so easy…not so easy to forget a 7.5 years of relationship…not so easy to not think about the same person on that day when our wedding (which never happened) date was fixed…the same person who had cheated on me and have ill treated me…the same person who was once my parents favourite and who now did not even think twice before pushing them to depression. Phew! What a dreadful 2 years of my life were those when I moved to Guwahati from Delhi ( on his request) just to settle down with him, which never happened. I have hated him all the while, from the time I moved to Bangalore in (2014). At times I would miss him and cry, I would think about all the happie moments we had spent in Delhi and some in Guwahati. It was such a difficult task for me to divert my mind off him. I would think how was this so easy for him to forget and move on with his new partner within a month of my shifting. But truth is truth. He was through with this relationship and was happie in his new found love. But it was not easy for me. I come across as a very strong person to others but the reality remains with me. And I would come face to face with the reality whenever I would be alone. I made it very clear to myself that what had happened to me, will never happen again. I would never give any person the right to hurt  me ever.

With this fights within myself, one day I met this person with whom I am getting married now. It took us 1 year to realise that we want to spend rest of our lives together. He asked me out and I said yes. What was I thinking? May be I needed a break and wanted to just chillax so I went out for lunch with him the next day. We just opened up in our very first meeting. That was the beginning. I am very happie with him, the way he cares, loves and understands me is all I have always wanted. We both have had difficult past relationships and we both understood that and supported each other in whichever way possible to come out of it. Just like any other normal couples, we also fight with each other. That’s natural right. But even after finding this happiness, there was something missing.

I tried asking myself several times, what was it?  Is my love for my partner not true? OR is it something else? What was it that would suddenly make me very unhappy and sad? Why was I reacting that way? While i was struggling with these questions in my mind, one of my very close friend said that may this was my past that was bothering me. She said that becoz I never had a proper closure to it, that’s why this was happening. Really! This actually freaked me. I do not want to hold on to my past at all, not to that person for sure. I knew that there was no love left in my heart for him and I knew that from what I really felt for my current partner. I loved every bit of my new partner. Let me call him ‘S’. I would get scared when he would be unwell, I loved to see him happy, I loved the way he laughed, I loved the way he would hold me and love me, I loved the way he took care of my parents, his parents and my sister. Than what was it that was not letting me let go off my past?

I realised it was the abuse, ill-treatment, deceive  which I received from my ex. When I was unhappy here, why was he happy there? This was what was bothering me all the while. How can he be so happy after spoiling someone’s life? Why is it that god has not punished him for what he has done and why is it that god is ready to put me through test even if I am not at fault? Why can’t I be completely happy? If I had financial issues, I would think that I am about to get married and i should be happy and glowing now, but I am not. I am still struggling with my life. Than why not him? How can everything for him be so smooth?

So many questions with actually no answers. OR may be the answers were clear but not visible to me. Till yesterday I thought that I can still call him and ask for an explanation, but only till yesterday. Because today he is getting married to the same person he left me for. After today, the ‘Last Knot’ is also broken. May be this Last Knot was broken long time back, but may be i was holding on to it for quite long. There is an emotional baggage in me, i know it’s not love but definitely more than hatred. This is what life is, it moves on with time. And it would be really clever if we also move on rather than staying in the past. Maybe this is an emotional phase for me and I will get over it one day with ‘S’ being on my side holding my hand.

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