The last knot

prayer-knot

 

Every individual must have experienced love in their life. Both successful and  unsuccessful ones. Unsuccessful love stories can be painful and take long time to heal. But, does healing means we have completely forgotten about it and have moved on and started a new life? Well, I am not very sure about it. Human memory is such that it can never let us forget anything but yes, certain situations or occurrence in our life can help us divert our mind to something more pleasant and happier. Like how it has done for me.

I was deep into depression when I moved to Bangalore. I thought that running away from facing my past and shifting to a new place will help me get back on track and start fresh. But it was not so easy…not so easy to forget a 7.5 year old relationship…not so easy to not think about the person I loved immensely on the day when our wedding (which never happened) was supposedly to happen…not so easy to forget how he cheated on me and had ill treated me…not so easy to forget how he misbehaved with my parent who had loved him like their own son.  What a dreadful 2 years of my life were those when I moved to Guwahati (in Assam) from Delhi ( on his request) to marry him, which never happened. I have hated him all the while. At times I would miss him and cry and would think about all the happie moments we had spent together . It was so difficult for me to not think about him and our relationship. But he was different…he had forgotten me too soon. I would really wonder why was it so easy for him to forget me and move on with his new partner so quickly? How was he able to detach himself so soon? Did I never mean anything to him? Was our relationship so weak? But truth is truth. He was through with this relationship and was happie in his new found love. And it took me quite some time to accept it.

I come across as a very strong person to others but the reality is different. The truth is, I am an extremely emotional person and will give up myself to the people I love and cared for. Was it wrong to be like that? No, it’s not. It’s just that people like me needs to control our emotions in a way that nobody could take advantage of it just like how my ex did. After my break-up, I made it very clear to myself that what had happened to me, will never happen again. I would never give any person the rights to hurt  me ever.

While still fighting with the turmoil inside me, one day I met this person with whom I am getting married now. We had met in a small gathering through a common friend. Initially it was just attraction. He asked me out for lunch and I said yes. What was I thinking? May be I was enjoying the attention he was showering on me. We just opened up in our very first meeting. I felt so relaxed, relived and happy. It was just the beginning. What we thought would be our 1st and last meeting, had turned into many more of such meetings. We started spending more time with each other. We both have had difficult past relationships and so it was easier for us to relate to the pain that we were going through. We liked each other but both of us were scared of commitment. It took us more than a year to realize that we wanted to spend rest of our lives together. Toady, I am very happie with him. I am happy that we have met. I love everything about him, the way he cares, loves and understands me is all I have always wanted. Just like any other normal couples, we also fight with each other. Which is very normal. But even after finding this happiness, there was something that was still bothering me.

I tried asking myself several times, what was it? Am I not sure about my boyfriend? Is my love not true? OR is it something else? What was it that would suddenly make me very unhappy and sad? I shared my concern with a close friend..and she said that may be this was my past that was bothering me. According to her because I never had a proper closure, that’s why this was happening. Really! It actually freaked me. I never realized that I was holding on to my past. I knew that there was no love left for my ex and I also knew how much I loved my boyfriend. I loved every bit of him. Than what was it that was not letting me let go off my past?

I realized it was the abuse, ill-treatment, deceive  which I received from my ex. He had the upper hand in everything, in misbehaving with me and in calling off our relationship. I was not given any chance to take any decision. It was him everytime. All these thoughts were making me angry and sad. He had hurt my ego and self-respect and I had let him do that. I wanted him to be punished. I wanted him to say sorry to me. But instead he was very happy in his life. How can he be so happy after spoiling someone’s life? How can everything for him be so smooth? Actually, it was nothing but my desperate wish to see him suffer for what he had done to me. I was not ready to accept the fact that he had moved on so easily. I thought that I can still call him and ask for an explanation. But than, as it is said that ‘reality can hit you very hard on face’. Today he is getting married to the same girl he left me for.

So today, the ‘Last Knot’ is also broken. The knot, which was nothing but the anger, sadness, feeling of betrayal. Till today it was the anger that had still connected him to me. All I wanted was him to realize his faults. The way he had hurt my self-esteem was not right. But, If I don’t broke this knot, I know I will never be happy in my current relationship. It’s not right to carry one’s emotional baggage to a new relation. It will affect the relationship and hurt the person we love. Past relations are difficult to forget but not impossible. It’s not fair to put our partner through any pain because of someone else.

This is an emotional phase for me and I know I will get over it with my soon to be hubby being by my side holding my hand.

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